dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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