the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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