the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My dick has a subreddit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
