Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
