Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
