what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
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You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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