i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
