You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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