There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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