the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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