So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
