Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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