What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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