If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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