I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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