it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Randomize
