I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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