Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
