I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
soo... how was my night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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