Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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