Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
