Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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