im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
