Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
