i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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