I just saw a hot homeless man
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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