I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
