Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
