there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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