Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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