she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
