singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had to cum in my sink.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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