I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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