She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
