i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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