Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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