it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
