I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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