i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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