I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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