Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
