"it" just moved
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can't turn off my feet"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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