I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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