I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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