sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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