Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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