I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
