Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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