Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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