I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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