he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
