Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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