Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
