This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
