How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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