can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I touched a dick in church today
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
