watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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