His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
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My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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